It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
