Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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