My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She bit a glass in half.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
