my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize