I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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