Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
