A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found the puke drawer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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