Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
