i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
