Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
