tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
