Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
