he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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