smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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