I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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