6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
