I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And then he peed in my hair
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