you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
