I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize