I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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