I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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