Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
