Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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