Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
