so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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