I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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