Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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