if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
