i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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