My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
