alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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