I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
