By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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