Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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