I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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