I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize