mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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