Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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