No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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