DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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