I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize