I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
