He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
