Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
