Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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