I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
