Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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