She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Randomize
