Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
