i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
