If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
