omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
